And so it is Christmas

Today is December 23rd, a Friday this year and as we finished work all of us heading in different directions it struck me just how different each of our lives are.

For me, I headed off to an appointment with my dietitian, those who know me, know that since quitting smoking a couple years ago I have gained weight.  I was smart enough to know I needed help and guidance on this path.  This path where everyone has an opinion, without knowing any facts.  Don’t eat carbs, don’t eat sugar, only use vegetable protein, no use this protein powder, do two shakes and a salad for a couple weeks that will take care of it.  Then there are well meaning people who send you to websites that contradict the websites others have recommended, it becomes to much.

So I stopped the spinning and asked my physician to recommend a good source, he did, hence I have a dietitian.  She is lovely and smart, and slim and I envy how easy it all comes to her, as I struggle on a constant basis. Once again I did not lose any weight, my husband on the other hand is doing great.  I understand that we are two different people who live in the same house but some days have totally different lives.  I work, there are lunches out, and grabbing a candy on the way by, and all that jazz.  He is stay at home, and decided he would only eat what I gave him within the guidelines.  That makes me the heavy sometimes, yet it works….for him.

But I am not giving up, I am however going to spend my Christmas break paying attention. I am going back to basics here, my basics, so what am I missing, why are my actions at odds with my words.  Going even further, if I take all I have learned about focusing I know that residing inside of me are a multitude of souls, the young to the very old, the broken to the strong and the fearful with the stubborn, all that makes me who I am.  So in quiet contemplation and focusing on myself I will spend this Christmas wondering what it is I am not hearing, what it is that I am missing, within myself.

My friend and mentor used to say ” All one can do is invite and allow” so my Christmas gift to myself is exactly that.  I am inviting myself to allow myself the journey of self discovery, the journey of me, so to speak.

My friend, yes I consider my dietitian my friend, and guide can only impart her wisdom, so what is it within me , who is it within me that does not want to hear the truth.  What am I hiding from? What am I afraid of?  The way I see it when I find the answer to those questions then I will find the answer to what next?  I have already decided to change perspective from weight loss journey to health journey.

I will close by wishing all a Merry Christmas, and know that 2017 will be filled with all you ask it to be, all you yearn for and desire, all you fear and all you embrace.

 

 

 

Moment by moment

Moment by moment I breathe, taking deep breaths into my body, as I wrestle with the fact that my brother is facing bypass surgery.  He is only three years older than me, yet this week he had what  doctors said, was a moderate heart attack.  I wonder whether they would consider it moderate if they were the one laying in the bed.  And , I know that there is nothing I can do, except live , breathe and believe, moment by moment that he will be ok.  When I first heard the news, I sat and I waited and I waited and I sat, as I felt helpless, and frustrated.  Like a child , I replayed all the mean things I had done or thought about him.  And I also breathed into all the things he had taught me, be strong, stand up for yourself, all the things big brothers teach you, whether they mean to or not, and most of all to believe.  We did not always agree on what to believe, but believe I do. I believe that each of us makes an impact on this earth, on the people we come in contact with.  I believe that life can be as simple or as hard as we make it, I believe that each moment is magical and we should stop wishing them away, and most of all, today I believe in myself.  Moment by moment over the last two years I have grown stronger and in doing so have chosen differently.  Today I start a new moment in my life, I start this blog, some people may read it others not, some may agree, others not.  I may write daily, weekly or monthly, I am not sure, what I do know isI will approach it , write it, respond to it, moment by moment.  For me that is all I can do, live my life Moment by Moment.

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